MARIA #11 - COME ON
the timing is off, the rhythm too. I just want to hide away and listen to something soothing, I was telling the story about a small part of my feelings to a friend I work with and he touched my hair/head/whatever as a recognition, as a "I understand, it will be ok" kindof gesture. I had to drag myself away from it. I couldn't handle it, no one has toched me with compassion in forever. it was not even anything special.
most times its just all in a "oh hi hi how are you" kindof way. its all about "oh yea lets go there EVERYONE is there" as soon as someone says "everyone" i cringe, why would I ever want to see everyone?
well i don't, what would I possibly have to say to everyone? "oh hi hi how are you" i guess. some "guess what i heard's" and "you won't believe what I saw's".
although I got nothing to fill in the blanks with.
the book I am reading is fucking me up too, yes i am honest. I didn't like it at first, i like to expand moments and i felt he was just passing them by like they where nothing. but after a while he returned to all those moments, and it all made so much sence. and it hurt so much.
essentialism, like is that what I am supposed to talk about to "everyone"?
so many questions I don't even want to know the answers to. maybe i sound pityful, maybe i sound bitter. I don't know. I am not though. its just one of those expanded moments in my life. when i actually have words to get rid off.