So as you all have guessed I just got home from watching Antichrist. The film that no longer needs any introduction. It was beautiful and scary and uncomfortable and horrible and fascinating. I am left with a feeling of emptyness and a wonder if I am in fact a psychopath for sortof understanding the woman in the film. Not that I would ever want to hurt anyone nor myself. But I still understand.
There lies something dark in all of us. We have all done things we are not proud of. These things for me are very interesting.
I think morbid thought sometimes, sure. And I have had so much rage and dispair in me that I would be able to physically hurt someone but at that moment decided to instead pound my fist in a concrete wall until I couldn't feel anything but the blood pounding in my hand and hear a ringing in my ear. It was because someone I loved deliberately hurt me. I was crying and drinking and my hand didn't work properly for a year, which I also damned him for. And myself.
See this is the kind of feelings that Antichrist awakes in me for some reason. It also makes me not wanting to be a victim any more. Because sometimes I act like I am, and that is not a good thing. I am strong and I think most people are if we choose too. So I will choose to be in the future. I am not going to talk to anyone who hurts me nor put myself in a situation that hurts just for a moment of pleasure or stimulation or to be polite.
People that leave and betray me are no longer people I should confide in. It is better to keep things to myself than to display my weaknesses for people who does not give a shit and this is what I have realized tonight.
Human nature scares me too, it is a scary and fascinating thing. I really enjoy reading about serial killers and murders, what does that say about me? I am not sure I want to know the answer to that question. People are filled with evil, weather we want to or not.