JULIA # 9 Sometimes you have to let your darlings live

Sometimes acting, doing, screaming is the easiest out.

I've always been good with doing, I have no problems making a difficult phone call, taking the chance, getting under that vampire boy's cape on Halloween and kiss him.
CARPE DIEM för helvete!

But, I find it hard hard HARD to abstain. I have many more stories of regretting what I did than what I didn't do. For me, going is easier than staying. I even have problems to fall asleep because the thought of hour long inactivity makes me feel I'm losing something that I won't get back ever. I can give up any idea cause I believe in the others ideas out there, the ones I don't know of yet, the ones I haven't thought of, but soon will.

I don't hold on to anything really anymore because life has taught me that friends will be friends even though there is distance and that Ryanair is really strict with their 15 kg limit for luggage. Letting go is the answer.

Whenever I feel that something is wrong, that a situation is becoming somehow difficult, I want to start all over. A new life with a new frame, preferably in a new country. Hide behind national stereotypes, fill out my void with trying new food, people, languages. Get drunk on foreign alcohol, that has a name I can't pronounce and effects I can't really predict, not yet anyhow.
I see a certain strength in this.
And Karin Boye supports me, saying, screaming, shouting Strike camp, strike camp! The new day shows its light.
Our great adventure has no end in sight.

I justify myself saying that living on the edge is the only way of living, that it's abroad,
somewhere else, that I will get inspiration,
comforting myself with romantic dreams about the unknown and what it has to offer me.
Hey babe! Take a walk on the wild side! It's easy!

But yesterday I decided to stay in Sweden.
Just for a couple of months.
Actually, it was decided for me, an opportunity I had to take, they chose me and I accepted it. Nothing big or overly dramatic maybe, after all, this is my home, no?
But still so different from what I had planned, from my life the last two years.
So here I am, in between flats, in between countries, in between dreams. But this time I'm going to be strong in a different way, staying, facing and letting someone else take the lead.
This spring I'll try to build on an uneasy ground, instead of striving.
This spring I won't kill my darlings,
we'll live happily together side by side, for the next few months.