my new obsession is to roam the streets with my eyes looking for HIM. I guess we are all adrenaline junkies right? I do this constantly, until today my eyes caught a bike crash instead and I forgot all about love and though more about fragility and broken bones. I think the driver was ok, he was in definite pain though and I was in definite vain. looking for a made up love when the life which is real can so easily be taken away.
Tomorrow I am going to a festival that I have dreamed of since many years, I dream that this is where I belong because the bands are all I grew up with. I might be easily mistaken, it might be the opposit. It might be filled with those men that I have met so many times before, who think less of me for not knowing b-sides and labels and production years. all these things which I believe have no meaning when talking about music. We have nowhere to sleep for certain, so it is an adventure which will hopefully end up with us sharing a couch or a floor somewhere. And yes, I do of course hope to run into HIM even here, his eyes haunt me in my sleep. there seams to be so much kindness in him. the kind of guy who makes you feel warm and loved and safe, and I guess that is all I need sometimes, and I also guess it is all a fantasy and that he might not even recognize me. That the time we met, was he looking for love? was he looking for sex? I dont know and I dont want to know because I dont want to move on. staying in this dream state gives me all the adrenaline I need, it helps me to move on from the past and focus on my work and my friends and I like myself more this way. yes maybe I will meet HIM soon. but if he actually is the HE of my dreams I would probably faint.
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