JULIA # 17 - Stream of consciousness

Sometimes I run in front of trains to make my youth seem longer,
I sweat, my heart beats and it hits me, the feeling of being fully alive, peak experience, those few seconds of danger prolonge my life.

And sometimes I go to my parents on the country side and wear my mums track suit bottoms every night and day and put on musk perfume but don't wash my hair in a week. I put on mascara though, but just on my right eye, to mirror the duality of man.

And every now and then I have fights with those who are the closest to me. I guess it's normal, strong souls might need more space than the small flats that I can afford.

But it makes me sad and the mascara runs down on my right cheek.

Sometimes I am silly enough to believe that I will find love easier if I lose five kilograms.

Stupid stupid stupid. Hasn't grandma's unconditional love taught me more than that?

Other days, other nights, I make myself pretty, flirt with the night club photographers and get them to take thirty pictures of me. And then I regret everything, and write an email asking to remove all traces of me because I have a violent boyfriend who doesn't know I was out yesterday.

(pause for a forbidden cigarette)

And all the time I tell myself that I do whatever I want to!
And then I regret.

And an the end of every story I run in the snow on the field outside my parents' house and dig out the stone has a painting of Virgin Mary and baby Jesus. It is in the middle of the forest in the least religious city I've been to, and I marvel and try to think of who might have painted it Without ever getting any answers.