Carolina #2 Kitchen-small-talk-and-wine

With a thirty minutes delay in the Friday-evening-social-schedule, I did my best whirlwind imitation when entering the kitchen at my friends place. Of five people planned for dinner, four was now gathered. No 5 had found a guy being brutally beat up in the stairwell where she lives so because having to wait for the ambulance to come she was running late. I was late because I had to hand over an important instrument to a musician friend playing in Stockholm tonight. What friend, what instrument? Oh, just a random Swedish pop-band big as church-choir and it was my flute. A flute? Yes, I have had it in my playbox for quite some time now and it just lays all silent, waiting to be used. Yes I imagine t is not as portable as the flute I have in my iPhone. No kidding, a flute in your iPhone? Does that work? Not only does it work but also it has an application for listening to other people’s tunes from all over the world using their iPhone-magic-flutes. Someone wished someone else a happy birthday, a toast to that and to our lovely host for supplying us with food without formalities in fashion. Yes I was thinking I might go to Copenhagen next week for the fashion-week, Stockholm is pretty lame. It is more about the parties and the people than clothing and industry. Indeed, no wonders we only have bloggers on front row when no one of true international dignity visit and specially invited people on the important parties are drinking drinks free from alcohol in a bar serving for free. What are you saying; that the important thing is being drunk? No, not really. It is not that bad but yes people have a lot more fun when their further career is not depended on their social skills at parties. Without constipation we are all social and not just good drinkers. Cheers to that, and to the lovely host for bringing us together you will make a good mom some day. I would like to be a dad in a near future I have felt that for some time now. Oh really? That was unexpected. I think it is likely that I will have twins. Petite mademoiselles often do so I think you are right. Can I have some more cheese please? Lovely marmalade, darling. Doorbell rings. Whirlwind-imitation no. 2 when no. 5 and her cat-like sister arrive. So good to see you, how are you, traumatized? Oh good God, brutally beat-up guy, blood in blood out and all he wanted to do was to light a cigarette so he did about a million times and of course his name is Kaj. Kaj!? Hold you horses, why is that so natural? You consider that a criminal name? What happened to JonnieConnieSonnieRonny? Are not these the high-frequent names on criminals? Kaj is associated with darkbrown hair, a pair of Rayban-spectacles in order to see well, not (only) to look good and he is always glowing from modesty or self-consciousness. Don't forget you have a secret crush on that concept. Oh, yeah. Right. Hm. Don't think it is a secret, though. Everyone has a crush on that concept. I hear you sister, lets drink to that. More wine in our glasses and a toast to a concept of love. To the wide concept of love and lust for life. To the concept of kicks from smothly going conversations and effortless smalltalk with friends and friends of friends on a Friday evening. Then we danced away.

Ida #16 A short text about choosing your friends, and being scared of toilets.

First: choose your friends carefully. If you are not careful, they will turn out to be complete overdramatic bitches. You don’t want that.

Second: I have since my friend (he is my friend now, having found each other again after 15 years) locked me into the toilet when I was 7, been scared of toilets. God, I remember when people in school managed to open the toilets when someone was inside. Peeing was bad enough, not to talk about people doing number two. Never happened to me, since I don’t use public toilets. If I really really had to go, I would let one friend guard outside. Just to be on the safe side.

Once I had a boyfriend in England. He lived with his brother, who in turn lived his life in front of the tv – just in front of the toilet. I had huge problems every time I was visiting. I was normally visiting him for at least 3 weeks, and up to 3 months at a time. Once I did not go for a poo for 8 days.

When I was doing a conservation biology course in Brazil, I was lucky enough to travel with a friend of mine, who completely understands my problem. We developed something called the mp3-pact, meaning that when one of us has to use the toilet, the other one listens to mp3. For some reason, it makes it easier to use the toilet when someone else is busy doing other things. We still use this little trick when we live together and it works great.

This summer I worked in the jungle every day – huge huge problem! The heat in that area during the summer (around 40 degrees) makes you drink a lot of water. That in turn makes you want to pee. But put down your ass near the ground in a jungle where there are about a billion snakes, spiders and insects (per m2)? I don’t think so. Had to hold it until I came home. Everyday was a new challenge. And some people understand this little issue of mine, most people laugh. I completely understand but silly as it is, fuck it gets me into a lot of problems sometimes. I have a trick though - to hide it for others and myself, I just talk a lot about poo. I am getting better. Soon I hope to have a normal relationship to toilets. And now I live alone and I have a toilet that works, saving me a lot of trauma. It is a blessing. I thank God everyday.

Thank you God for giving me a lovely family, wonderful friends, a healthy body, food, clean water, a relatively easy life (except from occasional knife-drama and some heart-ache now and then), and a toilet. Thank you for giving me a life with so little problems, I have room to worry about toilets. Thank you.

Text wasn't so short after all. Guess I needed to talk about it.

JULIA # 21 - Nämen

Skojar inte när jag säger att jag fick inte champagne men väl cava i kaffekoppen alldeles nyss. En kollega på avdelning har precis fått bekräftat att han ska bli utstationerad i Hanoi. Spännande!

JULIA # 20 - En liten fredagsbön

Snälla Liv, börja nu
Snälla Tid, gå fort
För jag vill att klockan ska bli fem
så att jag kan resa mig ur kontorsstolen och börja leva
Snälla Liv, lägg om tiden, det är ju fredag
Världen och magin och massorna väntar på mig
och jag fyller i smyg kaffekoppen med champagne


(alltså, noll inspiration just nu)

MARIA #11 - COME ON

the timing is off, the rhythm too. I just want to hide away and listen to something soothing, I was telling the story about a small part of my feelings to a friend I work with and he touched my hair/head/whatever as a recognition, as a "I understand, it will be ok" kindof gesture. I had to drag myself away from it. I couldn't handle it, no one has toched me with compassion in forever. it was not even anything special.
most times its just all in a "oh hi hi how are you" kindof way. its all about "oh yea lets go there EVERYONE is there" as soon as someone says "everyone" i cringe, why would I ever want to see everyone?
well i don't, what would I possibly have to say to everyone? "oh hi hi how are you" i guess. some "guess what i heard's" and "you won't believe what I saw's".
although I got nothing to fill in the blanks with.

the book I am reading is fucking me up too, yes i am honest. I didn't like it at first, i like to expand moments and i felt he was just passing them by like they where nothing. but after a while he returned to all those moments, and it all made so much sence. and it hurt so much.
essentialism, like is that what I am supposed to talk about to "everyone"?
so many questions I don't even want to know the answers to. maybe i sound pityful, maybe i sound bitter. I don't know. I am not though. its just one of those expanded moments in my life. when i actually have words to get rid off.

Carolina #1 Idén om en fisk i en burka

Som fisken i en glasskål lever så lever fisken i en glasskål. Som kvinnan i västervärlden lever så lever kvinnan i västervärlden. Som idéerna hos mannen i väst lever, så lever idéerna hos kvinnan i burka. Som Platons fastkedjade människor i grottliknelsen lever så lever fisken i en burka. Om kvinnan i burkan lever så lever idéer.

Idévärlden är den enda sanna verkligheten, säger Platon, och sinnevärlden är bara en suddig kopia av den. Våra upplevelser är inte mer än bleka skuggor som reflekteras på grottväggen tack vare den eld som brinner mellan de två världarna. Utanför grottan där vi människor är fastkedjade skiner solen i kapp med idéernas rätta former. Där är en cirkel perfekt rund, just som vi kan föreställa oss den men inte återskapa. Där bor den äkta kärleken och inte den som härstammar ur köttets och sinnenas lustar.

”Och säg till de troende kvinnorna att de bör sänka blicken och lägga band på sin sinnlighet och inte visa mer av sina behag än vad som [anständigtvis] kan vara synligt; låt dem därför fästa slöjan så att den täcker barmen. Och de skall inte låta sina behag skymta inför andra än sin make, sin fader, sin svärfader, sina söner etc." (Koranen)

Om någon av oss grottfångar lösgör sig och tar sig ut i det fria skulle hon bländas av solen som hon aldrig sett på riktigt. Hon skulle förstå att livet hittills bara har varit ett sken. Ett skenbart liv i gemenskap, till skillnad från det sanna men ensamma livet utanför grottan. Väl tillbaka i grottan skulle det vara omöjligt att beskriva det sanna för fångarna som endast har sina erfarenheter från sinnevärlden. Dessutom skulle ögonen nu ha vant sig vid ljuset och ha svårt att uppskatta de dansande skuggorna på grottväggen på samma sätt som förr.

”Rätten att få tycka olika och vara olika är central i en demokrati (…)Den märkliga seden att låta kvinnor bära, eller acceptera att kvinnor ständigt döljer sina ansikten i s.k. heltäckande burka eller niqab är däremot bekymmersam.” (Ur motion 2009/10:K250 Användningen av burka eller niqab)

Var och en blir salig på sitt vis och vissa fiskar i glasskålar vill bli mer saliga än andra fiskar i andra glasskålar. Vissa vill välja en annan grotta att sitta i och andra får inte välja sin grotta själv. Som mannen i väst och kvinnan i burka. Båda är de fiskar i glasskålar. Liksom fången i grottan upplever verkligheten i en skugga iakttar kanske blicken genom en burka världen passera. Idéerna är inte begränsade, som fisken i en burka, som människan i en glasskål. Så lever inte idéerna.

Som kvinnan i väst och mannen i burka. Så lever inte idéerna.

Ida #15 Burfdei

---------------------------Before -------------------


I spent the first 6 hours working on my article, then sending it to the supervisor, and then getting it back with the old usual "what are you THINKING"-kind of message. That made me a bit sad. I talked to my family. That made me happy. I got a cake. Happy. Someone shove it up my face. Happy/Sad (see photo). Spent lots of hours in bed watching Big Love. Happy but sort of depressed too. Sent a message to the person I thought was my best friend here. No reply. Sad. Message from Miguel. Happy. Went to his bar, got free drinks and cake. Happy. Got drunk. Happy. A guy who has fallen in love with me came to talk to me. Uncomfortable. He said he is planning to kill himself. More uncomfortable. He asks me for the keys to my apartment. I say no. He starts to beg. Uncomfortable. I eventually give him the keys. Really really uncomfortable. Goes with Miguel and his collegues for a party. Drinks tequila and sings my favourite songs the whole night. Very happy. Goes home. Manages to put the roof on the taxi (one the inside) on fire with the lighter. Ashamed. Other person still in my apartment. He drank all my alcohol. Angry. He gets angry when I tell him to leave. Angry/Scared. He really really refuses to leave. Scared. He gets a knife and says he is gonna kill himself in my apartment. Scared. Trying to leave, he wont let me. He has the knife. More scared. Crying. Goes to the toilet, sends a message to Miguel who says he is gonna come. Really scared. Manages to get out from my apartment, no shoes on but a guy with a knife following me, trying to drag me into the apartment again. Scared/crying. A neighbour sees it and eventually the other guy leaves. I go to my apartment, waits for Miguel. The other guy comes back. He shows me that he has my keys. More scared. Then he comes back again. Gives me the keys. Still scared. Miguel comes. Takes me to his bar again. I drink margaritas and feel sorry for myself. I go home, I sleep 14 hours. Bought new locks for myself as a birthday present. Might add a stun-gun too.

My life is so fucking exciting. Happy birthday to me!

--------------------------After---------------------------

MARIA #10 - MISSMATCH

rescentment is weird. I have felt it. shame is weird, I have felt that too. we all have shortcomings right? I wish it could all be very simple, like drinking too much coffee in a booth at a restaurant in prague on the south side of the river. Laughing at something with that friend who I met in an elevator. wow those things just don't happen around here do they? maybe they do, maybe I am just stuck again, my room is a mess, I have to much homework to do anything about it. so I sit in the mess and draw and listening to "stuff you should know" soon moving on to "stuff they don't want you to know" right now I know most things about mercenaries, ninjas, noodeling and organ donation.
I will try to casualy slip those subjects in to conversations.

someone told me who to have as friends once, what to drink and to eat and what to listen to. He told me to drink the strongest coffee and to smoke the strongest cigarettes, to live among people that did the same and that this was truly how to live and feel the most alive.

She realized he wanted to blindfold her. "No I want to watch!"

JULIA # 19 - The art of never being invited but always showing up

hi! here i am again!

no invitation this time either!

I've gotten in to far too many places where I wasn't inteded to have access. And I do believe that it's not because I'm cool or cute (all girls my age are)but rather bacause I have a brave and creative approach to these matters. Here are my tips how to do it:

Ten things to say to get into a party/club/lecture/fashion show that you're not invited or even welcome to.

1. Nothing - just run in and look important and stressed.
2. Say that you're playing in Mando Diao (no one knows the memebers)
3. Look at the guest list discretley and try to see a name. Or five.
4. Windows or smoking areas are entries too.
5. Show your work badge, pretend its your back stage pass. If you get caught, just go "oh fuck, i took the wrong one". They will be impressed that you have a job.
6. Say that you work for Acne. I've never tried it myself, but two of my friends have it as their universal ticket to get into anywhere
7. Bring a big camera, a note book, a pen that works and say you work for a paper or have a blog. They will be impressed that you have a job and know how to accessorize.
8. When you see a group of people getting in, join the crowd and melt with them. Then leave them fast once you have gotten in. Invited people seem to hate free riders.
9. Ask the star "can I get in with you?". They're nice and like to use their power, they'll help you
10. Use your imagination

Don't - ask your ex for help. It's not worth it.
Don't use the fact that you're a cute girl, rather the fact that you're a creative, cunning, free little soul.

Karl Lagerfeldt is one of the nice ones

JULIA # 18 - SNÖ

När jag var liten började det snöa. Den fjärde december 1998. Det började snöa och det fortsatte. Till slut var det så mycket snö att samhället slutade fungera, ingen fick gå till jobb eller skola och det fanns helikoptrar överallt. Gävle var lamslaget av snökaoset. När snön hade nått en och en halv meter var det svårt att få upp trapphusporten, man kunde komma på sig själv att man visst råkade stå på en bil. Mamma knöt matkassar av plast runt mina skor så att snön inte skulle komma in.

Det var lycka, för mig och andra trettonåringar med skolångest. Fast i ett väderkosmos, det fanns ingenting man var tvungen att göra, alla misslyckanden eller bortglömda åtaganden var ursäktade - det var snöns fel.

Jag och Matilda och Sepideh var ute jämt, vi lekte, vi pulsade, föll genom snön. Det är så jag minns det. Hur det började på kvällen och jag låg i min säng och tittade genom fönstret och såg flingorna falla, mitt fönster var brevid en gatulampa och när snön föll förstorade ljuset snöflingornas konturer.

När jag nu googlar bilder så blir jag lite besviken, bilderna i mitt huvud är mer dramatiska, med dubbelt så mycket snö och tomma gator, bara jag och Matilda och Seppan. Jag minns bara Vanilla Sky moments, med en nordisk dimension och för en yngre publik. Men så var det ju förstås inte.

Det känns som att den här bilden har föregåtts av en scen där en kille står på en pizzeria och frågar fjorton gånger "så ni är säkra att ni inte tar kort?"

Aleksandra # 9 - Last week in the European Institutions

Last week, the European Parliament's different committees met in Brussels to discuss dossiers and vote on proposals.

My highights of the week:

One distinguished Member of the European Parliament (MEP) suggests prohibiting imports of panga fish from Vietnam, which uses dried urine from pregnant women as a preservative. Yuck - ban panga, start savouring European sardines!

The European Commission, active guardian of consumer safety as laid down by the Treaties, recalled a series of Nudie jeans and Disney toys for chemical toxicity, lubrifiants for reasons of microbiological threats, and children's astronaut overalls for risk of strangulation and choking. So send a though to the alert Commission officials next time you dress to impress and enjoy safe sex.

I wrote my first amendments and had my first MEP meetings that I hold myself. I stepped on the foot of the next President of the European Parliament (tbc) and shared the lift with an EU-sceptic transvestite MEP. I had free champagne for a good cause. I got to pay for myriad of beers when a Eurocrat lost his wallet.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IDA!

remember that time in the future, when you had that weird haircut but the best lovelife of all times?



happy birthday! from me and your future husband.