Julia # - Etcetera

Tuesday evening, I had a skype date with a close friend I hadn't seen for a while. Now we both had a strong urge to talk. My friend had just met someone. I could tell it was serious. We had earlier both been victims of falling in love with complicated souls that promised understanding and willingness to share problems and turn loneliness into... I don't know... fun! Anyway, these were promises that never got to be fulfilled as they, the objects of our feelings had themselves to be saved first and frankly - neither my friend nor I were very good at saving people; quite the opposite.

So the conversation began. Soon enough, after my fiend had told me all about this fantastic new person and all her assets and great sides (I was half-listening, I had heard these stories before, every love story starts in a similar way) we started to discuss the ideal woman. She was beautiful of course, but that was so obvious it hardly had to be mentioned. And besides, beauty is something so easy manipulated it can't constitute a serious criterion.

I said - my woman is... me. We're interchangeable, always wanting to know more about each other, my ideal woman is memorizing my freckles, she sees solar systems in my birthmarks, and I analyze secret codes in what she mumbles when she talks in her sleep. My ideal woman always wants to be close to me, to be my saviour, although she'll keep telling me I'm the one saving her. My ideal woman is the opposite of loneliness; she's the second half, the very essence of support. My ideal woman is a babushka that carries me inside her, that is encapsulated by me, and I am swallowed by her and I carry her on the inside of my ribs.
- That is ridiculous! my friend interrupts me. I can see in the web cam he has started to prepare his dinner while I was holding my speech. You're not looking for a partner, you're looking for someone to fill the void inside of you, he states and continues: the ideal woman is not someone who solves all your problems. You're looking for some kind of life solution in your woman. Those things should be done through the help of a psychologist! I'm pretty sure that my ideal woman will create even more problems in my life; she'll stir everything around and replace all parameters with chaos.
- So you're not looking for someone to share everything with? I ask.
- Of course I do, he says. But not for an extension of myself. Quite the opposite, I want a lover, travel buddy, cell mate, and best friend. Someone judging my life from the outside, respecting it but offering alternatives through her own behaviour. Someone so independent that it hurts, someone that I will never feel that I own, someone who will always surprise me as she is thinking in different schemes than I, someone screaming at me, fighting with me, teaching me things, learning from me, together we'll reach new levels, combining our strengths, focusing on each others strong sides. But not melting into one person, that sounds ... unhealthy. Scary, terrifying even!
- But that's the point! I reply. You won't find the ideal partner without risking anything! And once you find her - and once she finds you - you will both live with your feelings on the outside. That's the most beautiful thing people can do.

And then just like that, I lost the internet connection. But I'm quite sure the discussion will continue.

Aleksandra # 6 - NIGHT ON EARTH

These nights would had been forgotten had drunken fools not put them down.


I had forgotten about the light that never goes out (European Commission building).

Walking home, it was a night to forget.

Now I remember that party as the first time we met.

Leaving memories beside, it seems like a most beautiful night to be remembered simply as that.

Ida # 2 Freak_Girl_85@mail.com

First thing: Last week I ended up on a AA-meeting. I live in a small Mexican town called Catemaco, where I am doing my research (I am a biologist) and, well, my friend Miriam has a boyfriend who is in the AA and I went with her to pick up her 3-year-old (who was at the meeting with her father). As we came to the AA-house, Miriam said “come on lets get in!” and I was like “With the alcoholics? Really?” (always thought that the AA-meeting was kinda private). There were around 10 people there, only 1 woman. I was a little bit nervous, but they gave me a cigarette and we started to talk, I was talking fast and moved my hands a lot, I talked about my investigation, about the monkeys I am studying, about being Swedish in Mexico, about being Swedish in Sweden. Finally I asked politely: so why did you end up in Catemaco? The guy I am talking to, Manuel, smiles at me, takes a deep breath, and:
“I was an alcoholic.”
“….”
I can feel how my heart is sinking a little bit. I have problems handling private confessions, don’t like other peoples feelings, and here is a stranger who feels like sharing addiction-secrets? Please God, save me.
But there is nothing to do but to smile and ask him more, I mean, what kind of person would I be if I was not there for a lamb that got lost from the big herd but now has returned? Shaken, but with a growing interest, I listen to his stories about being homeless in San Fransisco, going to jail, loosing his family.
“Alcohol made that to me”, he explains. We are silent for a while, there is no need for words.
Then he asks me if I like to dance.
“Yeah! But only when I am drunk!”
(No need to further explain the weird silence that followed on this statement. I left not long after that.)

Second thing: I am invited to a wedding. Miguel who invited me is the cousin of the guy getting married, and I really like Miguel, so I was trying to look cute and make a good impression. After the food we go up to the newly-weds. Miguel introduces me and the groom grabs my hand and makes a little attempt to kiss me on the cheek. However, I hate being kissed on the cheek and I am never able to make a smooth move towards the other persons cheek because I feel so uncomfortable, I tend to do a rapid attack-movement instead, scaring the other person, or ending up at the ear or the nose. So with the groom, I chose not to kiss him, leaving him mid-air with his cheek waiting for my lips. The second I decide to kiss him anyway, he of course have already turned around, making this introduction a stupid little dance of short robot-movements. Anyway, he smiles, just married, he is so happy and proud of his wife. “We are so glad that you could be here with us”, he says. Ida, “freakgirl”, smiles at him, and then says in a high-pitched voice that sounds nothing like me “yeahyeahthanksandthefoodwasawesome” and then… rub my stomach, and then…. take off. My only chance of talking to the couple, and I manage to be Rob Schneider rather than Blair Waldorf.

Third thing: after the wedding we go to a sort-of-party in Miguels aunts house and I am gonna say goodbye to parts of the family before going home and happily walks in front of the fan. My dress blows up and shows my underwear to everyone. Since it takes me like 3 seconds to react, everyone gets a good look as well.

Sum-up of the week:
1. making a fool out of myself at an AA-meeting
2. acting like a homeless brute at the wedding instead of oozing finesse.
3. Giving Miguels family a full-frontal view of my knickers.

Gotta love being me.