Tuesday evening, I had a skype date with a close friend I hadn't seen for a while. Now we both had a strong urge to talk. My friend had just met someone. I could tell it was serious. We had earlier both been victims of falling in love with complicated souls that promised understanding and willingness to share problems and turn loneliness into... I don't know... fun! Anyway, these were promises that never got to be fulfilled as they, the objects of our feelings had themselves to be saved first and frankly - neither my friend nor I were very good at saving people; quite the opposite.
So the conversation began. Soon enough, after my fiend had told me all about this fantastic new person and all her assets and great sides (I was half-listening, I had heard these stories before, every love story starts in a similar way) we started to discuss the ideal woman. She was beautiful of course, but that was so obvious it hardly had to be mentioned. And besides, beauty is something so easy manipulated it can't constitute a serious criterion.
I said - my woman is... me. We're interchangeable, always wanting to know more about each other, my ideal woman is memorizing my freckles, she sees solar systems in my birthmarks, and I analyze secret codes in what she mumbles when she talks in her sleep. My ideal woman always wants to be close to me, to be my saviour, although she'll keep telling me I'm the one saving her. My ideal woman is the opposite of loneliness; she's the second half, the very essence of support. My ideal woman is a babushka that carries me inside her, that is encapsulated by me, and I am swallowed by her and I carry her on the inside of my ribs.
- That is ridiculous! my friend interrupts me. I can see in the web cam he has started to prepare his dinner while I was holding my speech. You're not looking for a partner, you're looking for someone to fill the void inside of you, he states and continues: the ideal woman is not someone who solves all your problems. You're looking for some kind of life solution in your woman. Those things should be done through the help of a psychologist! I'm pretty sure that my ideal woman will create even more problems in my life; she'll stir everything around and replace all parameters with chaos.
- So you're not looking for someone to share everything with? I ask.
- Of course I do, he says. But not for an extension of myself. Quite the opposite, I want a lover, travel buddy, cell mate, and best friend. Someone judging my life from the outside, respecting it but offering alternatives through her own behaviour. Someone so independent that it hurts, someone that I will never feel that I own, someone who will always surprise me as she is thinking in different schemes than I, someone screaming at me, fighting with me, teaching me things, learning from me, together we'll reach new levels, combining our strengths, focusing on each others strong sides. But not melting into one person, that sounds ... unhealthy. Scary, terrifying even!
- But that's the point! I reply. You won't find the ideal partner without risking anything! And once you find her - and once she finds you - you will both live with your feelings on the outside. That's the most beautiful thing people can do.
And then just like that, I lost the internet connection. But I'm quite sure the discussion will continue.